“Life handed us a paycheck, we said, “We worked harder than this!” “

So. Today. Holy shit today. Nothing really that excited happened today. I opened at work and I was in grill until 2, then I stayed until 4 to help out because there weren’t many people from 3-4, and they probably didn’t even really need me but whatever. I needed to make up the hours because yesterday I went home sick. Yeah ew, that was annoying. I threw up and felt like shit so they let me leave, but I wish I hadn’t been sick because I can’t afford losing the hours.

I really really desire to be a manager again. I decided I could wait it out before and that I might not even want to be one, but now I think I do. I have like, a lot of ideas and if I was in charge of (or just helped with) training I think I could get a lot of stuff done. I really just want everything to run smoothly with the training program and I really WANT to do it, and I think it’s important. So many people say that they weren’t trained correctly or they don’t know how to do something that should’ve been covered during training, well hello?! I want to make sure this stuff is getting done, and you know what, I wouldn’t even mind still doing a lot of training if I was a manager. That would be so cool, honestly. I just want some more responsibility, I feel like I do a lot for the store and I want to be able to have some management under my belt. Hopefully they’ll promote me soon. If not, I’m gonna talk to my manager and see what can be done, because if I’m not going to move up or move forward here then I don’t really know what I’m doing there.

I’ve been playing Saints Row The Third, it’s great so far. I love it, the customization is so much easier, cheating is way easier (because I don’t play all games for a “challenge”, I play them for the story and cheating as much as possible to have the most fun and most power of course), and everything is so fun. The missions so far have been really intense and I’m likin’ it, for sure.

Hmmm. What else to talk about?

I definitely see myself going to school soon. I feel like I’m just kind of drifting right now. Going to work, coming home, doing something unproductive. I’m idling through life right now. I need to have something to work towards, and up until now it’s been becoming a manager. That’s contingent upon whether or not I keep doing well and trying not to step on anyone else’s toes and all that jazz, so I just have to keep that a constant effort. I feel like I need something more to do with myself. I really want to take some writing classes and tweek my style, see what I can add to it, remove from it, and I’ll definitely learn a lot. I should look into that at MCC most likely.

Oh my gosh, Mandee comes home in 2 days and we get to be together in person again!!!! Yay! I’m so excited to be able to just touch her. I cannot wait! She said she saw someone with short hair that looked like me and she’s rethinking my idea of cutting my hair. I kind of want it short, like dyke short if you will. I’m not sure how it will look but what’s the harm in trying it out? Hair grows back! My hair grows pretty fast anyway, but I don’t know if I liked it if I would keep cutting it. I might think about that more when she’s here and convince her to be there with me when I do it so she won’t have to be surprised.

I’m done with this post now.

Published in: on September 26, 2012 at 5:11 PM  Leave a Comment  

“Shorty don’t wait til your life goes by”

This video is seriously like crack cocaine to me. I love it. I love this Chad Vaccarino man. The ukulele player is my idol right now (Ian Axel), and then obviously Julia Nunes is God so yeah. I love it. Watch it three times in a row.

I haven’t blogged in a while because I was off a couple days and I mean, I don’t need to blog when I’m not working because I have no stress to relieve. I work at 6 in the morning tomorrow so this might be a really quickly written blog, so I apologize in advance.

Kevin and I rearranged his room at his Dad’s house and oh my, it looks so cool! We’re gonna hang out there, I helped him clean and move some stuff around and it was a good night. I think that was Tuesday after I worked my 7th day in a row and then I had Wednesday off. All I did on Wednesday was play my video games and eat food. It was a lazy day.

Thursday I worked 10am-6pm and that day was just over right then and there. Thanks to McDonalds for taking my entire day away from me. I played more vidya games when I got home and then talked to Mandee of course.

Yesterday I was off from work and I didn’t do much then either. I needed some days off. Today I worked 2-10 but I got out a little early and then here I am. I’m about to call my girl and then pass out because for some reason I woke up at 8:30 this morning.

Ugh and I’ve got to go to my doctors soon and see what the hell I can do about this plantar fasciitis or whatever. There is a bump on the arch of both of my feet (it’s worse on the left) and it hurts every time I walk. I think it definitely is worse when I work for long periods of time (every time because I always work 8 hours). It started after my car accident but I don’t know if there’s any connection. I wouldn’t think there is because I didn’t injure my feet but who knows? I wear Dr. Scholls inserts in my shoes and it helps but I think I might need surgery which is totally terrifying to me, but I don’t want to not be able to walk. Sometimes I literally have to limp because it hurts so bad. I feel old and useless.

That’s all for now, I’m starting to rant.

-I’m done with the whole days pass thing, what the hell was that anyway.

Published in: on September 22, 2012 at 9:35 PM  Leave a Comment  

This is how I feel all of the time.

I’m standing in front of you. You see me. You hear me. You’re listening to me, or you’re not. You’re looking at me, or you’re not. You’re judging me. You’re not judging me. You are everything I fear the most in life. You’re my deepest concerns, you’re the demons that haunt me. You’re the angels that guard me. You’re what make me who I am, and you’re what takes all of that away. I stand here. You take advantage of me. You look at me with disgust, with nervousness, with happiness, with apathy, with neutrality, with a connection. You think I would look better if I lost weight. You think I’d look better if I cut my hair, or if I got a perm. You think I’m a fashion red alert. You like my choice of clothing. You smile at me, you frown. You don’t make eye contact. You make a lot of eye contact. I cringe. I wonder if you noticed. I hope you don’t scold me. I hope you don’t judge me. I know you’re judging me. Maybe you’re not judging me. I know you’re watching me. Maybe you’re not watching me. I hope you can’t tell I’m nervous. I know you can. I wish you couldn’t tell. You hate me for what I look like. You hate me for what I sound like. You hate me for what I’m saying. You love me for what I’m not saying. You feel neutral towards me in all respects. You’re intimidated by me. You think I would look better with my hair up. Do you see me? You see me, but do you really? Do you know who I am? Do you know anything about me? Do you care about me? What am I thinking about? Do you know what I’m thinking about? You are enjoying my presence. You can’t wait for me to leave. You want to talk to me. You dread ever having to talk to me. You don’t feel any certain way about talking to me. You can’t wait to make fun of me. You want to hear more of what I have to offer. You’re pushing me away. I’m pushing you away. I’m pulling you closer. You’re resisting. You’re accepting. You’re not accepting. Do you see me? Do you accept me? Do you understand me? I’m sitting down. I’m reading a book. You’re walking by. You don’t acknowledge me. You glance my way. You wave to me. You smirk at me. You laugh at me. You’re judging me. I brush it off. I understand you. I know what you are. I can admire your personality. I can hate your personality. I can hear you. I can see you. I can understand you. Can you see me? Do you see me? Can you understand me?

I wrote that very randomly after the day I had to present my paper to my English class. It’s mostly how I feel when I have to do public speaking.

This was like 3 years ago. This got better with medication, but now having read it over again I wanted to publish it.

Published in: on September 15, 2012 at 10:24 PM  Comments (2)  

“Don’t listen to the gossip of the other folk”

In order to pursue one’s happiness, that person must do whatever it takes to achieve that. They cannot think about how it will affect a third party. It seems like such a selfish thing to say, “don’t worry about how it will affect others”. Questions will come about like “What if you care about that other person?”. Of course you care about that other person, but do you care about that other person more than yourself? Sometimes you have to do what’s best for yourself before others. I don’t like saying things like this often because I’m one of those people that will do what’s best for anyone else before myself, and I’ve got to change that. I’m going to have to learn to balance my best interest and the best interest of the people in my life.

That was just a little tidbit of advice to myself that I was thinking about for a while. It’s related to some situations in my life and in my friends lives, and I just wanted to put that out there. You have to think about the future and the long run, at the same time as thinking about right now. What’s going to make you happy right now?

I’m skyping with Mandee right now, she’s making me happy but she’s also distracting me from typing this. I’m thinking about how she will read this soon and laugh at it. She keeps asking me why I’m smirking. It’s because I’m happy! I guess I make funny faces when I type, says Mandee.

Work was good tonight. I was 1-9 and I was all over the place, up front and then in grill, then back up front, and then back in grill. I literally didn’t do anything except for work today because I woke up at 11:30 after sleeping for 12 hours. It was nice. I felt great waking up but I really just did not want to go to work.

Alright I think I’m done with this entry for now, I’m gonna focus on talking to my beautiful woman.

-Passed Days

Published in: on September 15, 2012 at 10:06 PM  Comments (1)  

“Thinking about all the stuff that I gotta make up to make you believe”

So today went by very quickly. I went to work from 8-4 and sweated my ass off in grill all day. It was good though, I got mad shit done and I felt productive most of the time really. I like those feelings. Oh and I got my check and looked at it closely for once (I guess), and I got a raise probably a month ago. I never even noticed it though. Hm. That’s great but I wish I would’ve seen it sooner so I could’ve celebrated.

At like 4 I picked up Kevin and we went to Wal-Mart to get him a new phone and then we went to the rez for some smokes! Fun trip. Also such a short trip compared to driving to north east bumfuck 5 hours away. I could definitely get used to north east bumfuck.

And tomorrow I get to do it all over again, work that is. 11-7 and then I can come home and relax, play some TF2, and start writing some pieces I’ve been thinking about. I want to write a couple short stories. They’re probably going to be based on my own experiences, but I’ll twist them of course for the purposes of entertainment (my own? someone else’s?). I have a lot of ideas, and I want to get them down and out of my head. Maybe I’ll start tomorrow morning when I wake up. If I like any of them I’ll post them on here.

For now, I’m gonna go call my woman, and fall asleep pretending I’m in her arms.

Before I go, this is a picture of an uprooted tree that is located en-route to the rez. It’s pretty sick. I see it every time I drive out there and I finally stopped to take a picture.

-Days passed

Published in: on September 13, 2012 at 9:56 PM  Leave a Comment  

“I twist my AK to the side just for style”

Phew. Just got out of work. It was intense. I worked my ass off, as usual. I actually had a good night though.

Hm. I’m finding myself not knowing what to write about on this one. This is what happens, that’s why I go so long without blogging. I feel like everyone is going to read this and judge me, especially since I just linked this up to Facebook. Meh. I don’t really care what anyone thinks. This isn’t for anyone but myself really. It’s a way I can unwind, and relax. I need that in my life right now, so I’m gonna say what I want and let it all out and I’m going to be oblivious to everyone else’s opinions. It feels good, you should try it.

I used to blog about things that bothered the shit out of me. So if anyone of you read any of my posts from 2 years ago, I’m probably a completely different person. It’s funny though, I’m not going to lie. I like reading through them and remembering what I was feeling at those moments and then bursting out laughing because it’s either still really annoying or it’s just hilarious that I let these things bother me so much. I’m gonna work on all these things. I want to be a better person, for no one else but myself (and my beautiful girl).

What else… hmmm. I’m gonna link some videos now because I have nothing else to write about yet.

Here’s some videos you should watch:

LOOOOOVEEEE BOB’S BURGERSSSS. WATCH IT ALL! The second season is SO good, but the first is also SOOOO good. So watch it all. It really didn’t take me that long. Seriously. My bff Kevin showed it to me and our other friend Rachel like one week ago today I believe, and I finished season 2 two days ago. I watched a lot in a row. Obsessed. I’m probably going to watch it all again very soon.

Gangnam Style. If you haven’t seen that yet, you should watch it. Then you should watch it again. It gets stuck in my head often. I love the video too. Kind of cool dancing, and hilarious.


^ That is a link to a couple little weird songs I created on my android with the app “pocketband” formerly known as “uloops”. I don’t know, I like some of them, just figured I should link that while I’m at it. While I’m at what? Posting the most random shit, yeah.

^Hank Green talking about gay marriage. Random video I agree with.

Here’s my latest tattoo because my other two are already on my blog somewhere around here, I figured I should post it AND I just found the picture on my desktop so yayyyy.

And one more picture to sum things up:

That’s all I got for now. I gotta get to bed because I’m working in the morning tomorrow.

Pass days.

Published in: on September 12, 2012 at 10:59 PM  Leave a Comment  

“Is anybody really out there breathing?”

Fast forward 2 years and here I am again. I need a way to let my thoughts out. Once again, I turned to drugs to numb my pain, but writing is much more productive, even if it’s just blogging. I figure I should do something while I’m waiting to see Mandee again. Mandee is my girlfriend, we started dating on June 24th, 2011. It’s been a pretty interesting year and a quarter but we’re trying.

This post will be short and sweet, because I have to work in about an hour. I’m still at McDonalds, I’m a crew chief now waiting for my management promotion. It’s not so bad, but I’m thinking of pulling the plug. I want to work somewhere where I am valued. I don’t feel very valued at good ol’ McD’s.

I still haven’t gone back to MCC or any college for that matter. I didn’t really want to two years ago, obviously. Now? I’m not so sure. I really have some hope for the future, for once in my life I actually feel good about looking forward. That’s not a feeling I can say I’ve had many times.

I’m going to change. I need to change. I screwed up with Mandee. I almost lost her for good. I’m glad she believes in me so much. There aren’t many people who do because what reason would they have to? I don’t even believe in myself half the time.

Wow, I love writing. Typing these words, feeling them, watching them manifest themselves onto a “piece of paper” (screen haha). Technology these days is amazing. I wonder what it would be like to be a journalist or something like that in 10 years, or 20 years. I can’t even begin to imagine what my life could be like. There are a lot of things for me to look forward to and I want to start doing so. I need to stop living in the past, because it’s really holding me back. If I want to be completely honest with myself, it’s held me back for three years. However, it might not have been such a bad thing. I can definitely learn to live with those three years. It’s not like it was all bad. I had fun, but maybe my fun is over for now. I need to start moving on, and that might not be such a fun experience, but I can live with that.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and start over in 2009, fresh out of high school, and do everything right. I can’t do that, and wishes that involve time travel usually don’t come true. I have plenty of other wishes that I can make come true for myself if I just try.

That’s it for now because I gotta throw my nasty uniform on and work my 2-10 shift at the Good Ol’ Grease Shop.

-Days pass.

Published in: on September 12, 2012 at 12:57 PM  Leave a Comment  
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My life is completely different since the last time I posted.

Yeah. Refer to the title of this blog at any time for a reminder of how fucking different everything is and will seem. I’m going to list some shit first, and then I might go into detail about some, dunno yet. Also I’m going to try to address some things I talked about that were happening in the future in my last blog so that stuff will be thrown in there as well.

I got a raise a while ago.

That night at tilt was really fun, and I loved meeting Naomi.

Kirsten is moving to where Naomi lives in Newfoundland in 6 days, and I’m going to really miss her. They’re engaged, and I’m happy for them, but I can’t shake my selfishness (wanting her to stay).

I broke up with Josh.

I’m better at my job (and learning grill!).

Rachel found a stray cat at her house, and she got to keep it. Then a couple days ago it had kittens!

Eminem’s cd is good, but I’m sad that despicable wasn’t on it.

Jackie’s wedding was amazingggg.

Taking a semester off from college.

I might be moving in with Rachel into an apartment.

Dibbs and Ninjaz are moving in together closer to where I live and I’m gonna hang out with them soon!

So. Yeah. Some new stuff. Some changed stuff. My life.. is just grand. Right now I’m working as close to 40 hour work weeks as possible. This week is 39 for some reason but the past two have been 40. My shifts are mostly 2-10’s and 3-11’s, which I actually don’t mind. I have to work 3-11 tonight, and also tomorrow and Friday. It’s nice because if I’m in drive thru I get to go into grill at 10 and learn some stuff because they don’t really need me in drive thru because the overnight people are used to doing everything themselves anyway. I kind of feel like I’m burning myself out a little by working so much. I’ve been getting really tired really easily but maybe it’s just my mind.

Yeah so me and Josh are no more. He also has a new girlfriend who I know, I used to be best friends with her sister, and it’s mad awkward. She’s probably gonna recognize me in the pictures on our Facebooks and I just feel way awkward about it. Whatever. And I think I made a mistake breaking up with him, but he basically told me it didn’t matter because he has this new girl. Not that I blame him. People have to move on, but I wish I knew how to do that right now. It’s hard. Nothing really feels quite right in my life. I just feel like everything is being done for no reason, and that nothing has any significance. Not just because of Josh, it’s just my recent mindset I guess.

Oh yeah. Huge thing with my parents. I told them I want to move out because I do. I can’t stand living here anymore. It’s so hard with my mom constantly reminding me of all of the things that went wrong on our path together as mother and daughter, I need to get away from all of that. I just don’t know if I have the money to do that. I mean, I know I don’t have it yet, but assuming I save enough up I also don’t know if I trust myself enough to budget myself and to not have to like scrape up the money for the rent each month..but anyway…They kind of freaked out on me at first. I mean, my mom and I screamed at each other and I don’t even really remember what was said, but I know that I ran upstairs and took my mom and dad’s like, bottles of codeine and hydrocodone (which has made me sick from taking 3 before)  and locked my door and I had them in my hand ready and willing. I called Rachel and I was sobbing, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so…sunken. The feeling of that is unbearable. It feels like your entire body caved in on itself and all that’s left is this core that’s barely even living anymore, so why not just end it? That’s how it feels to me. My dad knocked on the door and he pretty much saved my life because he just kind of talked to me. I had the bottles of pills in my pockets the whole time. I don’t think he knew the severity of the situation he was in, but he definitely knew something was seriously wrong and I know he meant to help, which made me happy that he showed he cared that much. He is my father after all. Basically my dad said that he has money to give me for my next year of college and that he’ll support me moving out as long as I go back to school next semester and I have to get my own car insurance and shit like that. I guess that’s good, but I really don’t know if I’m going to move out this year or next, we’ll have to see.

I met a girl named Becca, and I liked hanging out with her. We just got coffee and talked, and I think I’m going to ask her out somewhere on Saturday because I don’t have to work. I haven’t seen her in like 3 weeks mostly because I’ve been working so much, but she seems cool about it all.

I don’t know the next time I’ll blog but until then, adios!

Published in: on September 1, 2010 at 2:11 PM  Leave a Comment  
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“I don’t like the way I never listen to myself”

So I’m listening to Ellie Goulding. I listened to her so fucking much like a month ago but then I moved on to other shit, but now I’m right back to her. She’s amazing. Love her stuff. Gonna put a couple youtube links so y’all can see how amazing she is.

Nommm. Love that song.

And that one is like my second favorite.

And I randomly want to put up an Of Montreal song that I really like, so let me find it and link it in here…

It’s also a fucking sweet video. Pretty trippy if you ask me. I like everything about that song. Just. Yeah.

Okay and more shit about music, sorry. I just got the new Gorillaz album even though I’m like 3 months late but whatever, it’s amazing! Ugh, so good. Josh said it wasn’t that good but his taste in music is questionable at best… so yeah. Couple vids for that as well:

Those two are like my favorites right now. I really like Stylo too but that’s a single so I’m not putting it here.

Oh and holy shit. I’m really excited for Eminem’s new album. Comes out this Tuesday and I’m totally buying it. I’ve heard from a couple people that it’s bad but I don’t know, I’ll definitely have to listen to it first. In the meantime here’s a fucking amazing ‘freestyle’ he did, called Despicable. Not sure if it’s on the album but I downloaded it from somewhere so there ya go.

Well since the other day I haven’t really talked to my parents but they’ve been civil looking at least. That’s good. I don’t want to fight with anyone right now, I’m not in the place for it, ugh.

Worked tonight. Took orders a lot, and presented the rest of the time mostly. I like taking orders but I’m not quite on top of making the drinks yet. Sometimes I forget I’m supposed to be doing it and then there’s another order already and I’m like shit. But I enjoy taking orders during dinner because usually there’s someone helping you, and it goes by really fast. Work talk is boring probably.

Hm. What else to talk about? Oh duh this week is like really busy for me. Let’s see, I took off Thursday-Saturday for reasons I’ll explain in a second. Gotta work Tuesday/Wednesday and then Thursday me and a couple friends are going to Tilt with Kirsten and her girlfriend Naomi, because Naomi is gonna be staying with Kirsten for a week! So we’re gonna have fun that night, and then Friday is just for recovery, and also because it’s Josh and I’s 1 year anniversary. I don’t know what I’m gonna do yet but I’m stressed about it =/. It’s just like I don’t want to disappoint him but I guess if he loves me he wouldn’t be disappointed with anything I do. We’ll see.

And then, and then! My cousin Jackie is getting married on Saturday at the gazebo in town, and it’s gonna be so freaking cute. I get to play photographer, and take a whole shitload of pictures. I might even bring my tri-pod thingy just so it gets a use for something. She’s getting married at 10 in the morning I believe, and then the reception is at 6, and Josh is coming to that with me. I’m pretty excited about this, her and Alex have been together for a couple years and they have Alexis together and they’re finally getting married. Yay is all I can say. But yeah that’s about it for my upcoming week. I gotta work on Sunday and then at some point I definitely have to go to MCC to register for classes or my parents are going to murder me, and I also have to take out loans or something at some point, ugh. I hate my life after this week is over. This is like basically the last week I have to do anything remotely fun, so I gotta get it all out of my system now I guess.

That is all, good night!

Published in: on June 19, 2010 at 2:17 AM  Leave a Comment  
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“Failure to evolve, is failure to us all”

I just wrote a really long note to my parents. It was like a paragraph to my dad and then like 2 pages to my mom, obviously. My dads paragraph was nice and my mom’s 2 pages were quite mean. I mean I was really angry and very vengeful. I just deleted it though. As in, I didn’t save the document at all. I do that on occasion. Like, I’ll write this whole long thing and then decide not to save it, and it helps me deal with shit. No one knows that I wrote it except for me and no one actually got to see it but as I’m writing them it’s like I’m feeling their reactions anyway. I don’t know, I’m weird.

I haven’t blogged in a really long time.  McDonalds is good. I hate this one bitch though. She’s seriously a huge fucking cunt to me always. For no reason too. She said she hated me and Rachel one time when we walked in to eat food one time and I had never talked to her then and had only been working there for like 2 weeks, so it was like ‘what?’.

Some shit went down with my mom today but I don’t really wanna blog about it. I just want to say that I’m fucking mad and annoyed and depressed and a lot of emotions right now, but I think I’m gonna be okay. Now that I wrote this whole note out and shit and didn’t save it I feel a lot better somehow. Just a little blah still. Kind of lethargic, empty feeling, but that goes away with time, like always.

I met some people from CnB last night. Dibbs and Like…1000 Ninjaz, they used to date but they’re not anymore but still friends and stuff, and us four (Josh came too because he is the amazing Yiazmattttt) went to the carnival after getting high and we went on rides and ate some food and then came back to Josh’s apartment and just laughed about everything. They’re mad fun and funny. I liked them a lot, hoping to hang out again sometime. I liked meeting people from the internet but it was surreal at first. Definitely something I’ll do again though.

Nothing else to write about right now. See ya.

Published in: on June 17, 2010 at 8:12 PM  Leave a Comment  
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“I will be going nowhere, nowhere fast”

Head Automatica for the win! Randomly listening to them tonight, =))

Anyway. Life’s been good lately. Just kidding it’s been kind of stressful. But let’s talk about some good stuff first.

So I got that job and the manager Randy told me he couldn’t hire me until the first week of May right? Well, the Monday after the last post I made I was just at Josh’s apartment and we were watching Family Guy and all of a sudden I get a phone call. I didn’t know who it was so I let my voicemail take it and it was Randy basically saying that he could have me come in for orientation that afternoon at like 3 pm if I wanted because someone from that orientation cancelled or couldn’t make it! I was so happy. At first I wasn’t sure but I did the responsible thing and said I could come in. Orientation was easy. Basically we just filled out some paperwork and read the handbook out loud to each other and all that. The only thing that was awkward was that all of the girls were super skinny and they were like “Oh can I have an extra small, double zero, blah blah” and I had to follow up with my sizes, but I was over it within like 20 seconds, haha. So then at the end they all left because they were under 18 and had to have their parents fill out some permission slip to let them work (hah I know right?) and Randy told me to stay and he scheduled me to start training that next Saturday. LET’S SKIP TO THAT DAY NOW! So, Saturday the 10th I went in at 11 A.M. and basically I learned “lobby” first which is just cleaning the tables, cleaning the trays, sweeping and just general cleanliness of the store, and like checking the garbage bags. That’s pretty much all I did on Saturday except for like watching training videos and whatnot. Sunday was more exciting in my opinion. I got to learn fries and I liked it because it was really easy but at times stressful because it got kind of really busy in the middle of my shift and I was like AHHH MORE FRIES, but then it calmed down. But yeah, then I worked today and I learned front counter and the register, and I mostly get how to do most of the stuff, but I was mostly excited to learn about like the coffees and iced tea and the soft serve and mcflurries and frappes and stuff like that. That was really easy once I did it a couple times I guess. At first I was all like, “wuuuut do i do” but then I was like “Oh I kind of get it now =)”. Anyway, that’s pretty much all I have to say about work. I’m excited to start working for real, but also nervous because my trainer today didn’t actually let me use the register to take orders myself but I’m hoping that comes the second day I learn register, sooooo yeah. Should be okay I think.

SOOOO I play this game called Team Fortress 2 and now I’m a member of this clan called Cock and Balls. They’re pretty sweet. Josh showed me that server and their forums and shit and I was pledging for about a month and just got in last Friday. Yay! That’s all, haha.

Soooo I dropped my anatomy class. Yeah. I couldn’t do it. It was just way too hard and I was failing and I just, no. Oh sweet I have a 59 in my developmental class. Fuckkk. As long as I go to the rest of the classes I have and do moderately okay on the last two tests. I just got an 80 on the last test I took on monday though, and I studied for like a half an hour only on one of the chapters that it was on out of 4, like how did I pass? Don’t know. Abnormal is just still average. I’m doing well. I just don’t go to class except for my tests. Although after spring break I’m gonna try to like, start going to school more. That’d be good, hah.

Soooo Josh and I are doing well. Haha that sounds lame, but yeah. We’re making all sorts’a plans to do all this fun shit with each other and then other people like, we’re sort of vaguely planning a double date with these people that are on the CnB (cock and balls) servers because the guy lives around here and goes to the same school as Josh and the girl lives like, I don’t know an hour or two away I think (and she comes out here to visit her boyfriend like err’ weekend sooo) and yeah, I’m just waiting to like stop training at work so I can start like making some money and actually be able to pay for these fun things myself instead of mooching off my loving boyfriend… but yeah. One of the things we fought about a little when we broke up was the fact that one time I said I never wanted to go to the movie theatre again because it’s always a horrible experience for me because of my annoyances and all of the people and just everything, (and I mean, it still is but now I’m willing to go again, just not all the time yanno), but Josh was like “we should go to the drive in movie theater soon because then it’s like you can still go to the movies but not be annoyed by all the people because you’re in the car and they ain’t” and I was like OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE YOU THAT’S LIKE THE CUTEST ACCOMMODATION. LIKE SERIOUSLY. How cute. But yeah I just wanted to brag about his cuteness for a second and now I’m done =)

Oh and today Rachel and I hung out after school and went to the HoHo Buffet again. It was delicious as usual. I missed her and she said she felt like she’d never see me now that I’m working and that Josh and I are back together but I really don’t want to let that happen because I really value her friendship and I don’t know what I’d do without her in my life (as I’ve told her many times and she makes fun of me a little bit about it haha), but like I just don’t want to be the person I was before so I’m going to try really hard to not let things that are important to me like die out again. Fuckkkk that shit.

Basically I feel pretty hopeful about life in general, besides not knowing for sure what I want to do with it, and not knowing about school next semester, and not knowing a bunch of shit, but overall right now I feel pretty good, compared to my huge shitty overcast mood that hung around for like 2 months starting in January. Also I keep saying I want to start blogging more often and it never happens but this time I really will try, even though I’m going to be having a lot less time now that I have a job, I will try! I just like blogging it helps me to like internalize a lot of things and re-visit experiences and whatnot. Just a good hobby I guess. But anyway, that’s pretty much all I have to talk about on this entry.


Published in: on April 16, 2010 at 12:06 AM  Leave a Comment  
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“So am I erasing myself? Hope I’m not erasing myself..”

So me and Josh got back together. That’s probably one of my biggest updates since I last blogged. Basically I missed him a lot (and he later told me he was also going to contact me about it because he missed me too) so I messaged him on this forum we go on and things were said and apologized for on both ends… and he asked me to out to coffee. We went on Friday and talked for a couple hours and ultimately decided to get back together. It was fucking cute though. We were just talking normally before we were official again, and I was like “so what happens now? What do we do now?” and he was like “Well, I want you back..” and I was like “I want you back too..” and then I like whispered in his ear “Wanna be my boyfriend?” and he was like “Yeah, wanna be my girlfriend?” AWWW. Definitely going back into this with like a “better understanding of each other”, as he said in one of the messages to me…and I’m happy about that. He said that he knows we can talk through anything, and I agree. We definitely communicate well. There was a big lapse in that, you know, that one time we broke up for a month and a half, but yeah, other than that we are really good at that kind of stuff. And after we were official I was like, “Well, I won’t be saying it yet, but I just wanted to let you know I never fell out of love with you sooooo yeah…….” and he was like “I never did either” and my heart just like melted as he said it… even though I was skeptical at first… but I believed him after like 2 seconds of thinking about it. I love him so much and am just, really really really happy we’re back together. This time will be better and different and just better.

Second biggest update? I got a job! Well, I don’t technically have it yet. I had an interview at a McDonalds this past Thursday and the manager told me he was going to hire me but not until the first week of May because that’s the next available orientation date or something like that. He said he was going to call me in the last week of April. It’s weird I was barely nervous at all in the interview. Like, looking back nothing really stumped me and I didn’t stutter or mumble or get that nervous like I usually do in interviews and whatnot. I’m happy I get to finally use a “work” tag on my blogs now, haha. Rachel works at the same one as I’m going to and she’s already been teaching me all about the things you do there and stuff. I could probably go in there tomorrow and know it all. Well not really, but I mean, I know some basics and then some “street smarts” of McDonalds as well… like things no one really teaches you and you have to learn yourself, some of which are embarrassing so she let me in on the secrets. Yayyyyy. I’m so excited to start.

School sucks lately. I’m doing really badly because I’ve been skipping a lot and not studying, but I’m really trying to not do that anymore. Honestly, this week I plan on going to school every single day. Lately I’ve only been going maybe twice a week, usually Tuesday’s and Friday’s. But this coming week, I will be there everyday or I am in serious danger of failing two out of three classes…so that’s not good. Wish me luck with that!

That’s pretty much all that’s going on in my life now. Besides wasting all my time that should be devoted to studying on TF2, I’ve just been existing.

-Til next time!

Published in: on April 3, 2010 at 11:39 PM  Leave a Comment  
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“But you got yourself into your own mess”

So I went out for Rachel’s birthday last weekend. We went to Arigato’s and it was delicious. I had the Hibachi Shrimp andddd it was great and scrumptious. The people cooking your food in front of you was really cool too. I liked the whole experience except for the long wait in the beginning and the long wait once we got seated, but the food was amazing. Then we went to Cold Stone Creamery and that was also delicious. Oh my, and then I went back to Rachel’s house and we watched this movie called Orphan and it was really fucking good in my opinion. It was really creepy and suspenseful and all that. I liked it a lot.

Let’s see. I’m sucking at life in my classes right now. I skipped school today because I had a really bad headache and I really should not have but I could not even get out of bed it felt like. I’ve been missing more school lately than I should, and more than what’s typical for me. It’s odd. I feel like I’m neglecting my school work and everything in my life right now. I just don’t feel like doing much, and I kind of feel like all of it’s pointless anyway. I don’t know. I’m probably not making any sense. I just have nothing that I’m really looking forward to right now. Kind of depressing sounding but hey, that’s me I guesssss.

I don’t really know what else to talk about now. Well, we finished that movie in Abnormal Psychology. I don’t remember if I wrote about it before but it’s called “Dirty Filthy Love” and it was about this man who had OCD and Tourrettes syndrome and like, didn’t know what was wrong with him, and a whole bunch of other stuff and it was so freaking cute at the end, but also sad and eye opening I’d say. I liked it a lot.
Um, yeah that’s all for now.

Published in: on March 11, 2010 at 12:39 AM  Leave a Comment  
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“Everything the light touches, is our kingdom”


Anyway… absolutely nothing exciting happened in Abnormal today. I’m kind of sad. The only real thing I have to say about the angry black woman is that well, let me tell this story. Okay, so we took a test Tuesday, and then our professor was talking to us about our grades today. Basically he was mad because we all did pretty badly on it, with the exception of like a few of us. I think he said 10 of us failed, which is a lot. But anyway, he was disappointed and the angry black woman raised her hand and like, apologized to him FOR US, like she was saying something like, “We really didn’t do the work we needed to and I would just like to apologize for the class for the lack of studying” or something like that and I was just like appalled. Like, yeah we probably didn’t do as well as we could’ve, and even I could’ve studied more even though I got an 82, but seriously? Speak for your fucking self. I hate that. I hate a lot of things, but I really hate it when people speak for others. I just wanted to say it outloud like, “Excuse me, I studied pretty well for this test and I got an 82, I’m not apologizing for myself so you can leave me out of your little apology please, thanks”. I just hate it when people do that. And it would be her that would do that kind of shit too.

Anyway, after school and after Rachel’s classes she came over to ask me questions and diagnose me with diseases for her abnormal psychology class. I don’t have to do this project, thank god. Haha. But she came up with depression (dysthmia to be exact, so like the one that’s not as extreme as major depressive, but over a long period of time still, and I think that’s probably correct), generalized anxiety disorder (oh my go figure), and social phobia (which I’m now re-interested in). I looked up some stuff and seriously everything it says on this NIMH web page defines my life right now. I’m going to take an excerpt and then put the link at the end of it to like, show where I got the info or whatever, but this seriously explains my life like when I have to talk to people or do anything for school outloud:

“While many people with social phobia realize that their fears about being with people are excessive or unreasonable, they are unable to overcome them. Even if they manage to confront their fears and be around others, they are usually very anxious beforehand, are intensely uncomfortable throughout the encounter, and worry about how they were judged for hours afterward.”

Um yeah. That always happens to me. Like I can get through the stuff I need to do to succeed in school and to like, have conversations, but even then, I like dwell on it afterwards and like during it is usually horrible. Oh and anxious beforehand, YEAH. YEAH.

And then for physical symptoms I have the blushing thing, the sweating profusely (if it’s in front of more than one person, and even sometimes when it’s just one person listening to me), trembling (shaking, definitely yes), and at first I thought about nausea and was like, nahhhh I don’t really get that, but now thinking more about it that does happen to me on occasion (not every time but sometimes it does occur), and difficulty talking…yes (stuttering on words and stuff, yeah, and then like feeling short of breath because I’m talking so fast, I’m sure that would contribute to the difficulty talking..uhhh I’m pretty sure I have this phobia).

I’m kind of considering going to my doctor again, but I’m nervous to. LOOK AT THAT. WHO WOULD OF THOUGHT THAT I’D BE NERVOUS OR ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING. But yeah like, I just feel like no one will believe me that I have these conditions. I don’t know why. But it is affecting my life. It was really depressing to me having to like answer these questions that Rachel asked me. I also had to tell her like my entire life story to figure out causes and whatnot. That was uncomfortable for me a little, but it’s not like it’s anything I’ve never told her before. Just, it was so professional feeling and it scared me a bit. Dunno why.

Oh my god, look at this picture Kirsten made:

IT’S SO TRUE. His autopsy report finally came out because TMZ bought it or whatever, and she sent me the link to it, and it totally says that he had the disease called “Vitiligo” which is the one that caused his skin to change.  She just owned everyone with this. Seriously. Everyone can shut up about him “bleaching his skin”. I’m gonna tell my mom this one tomorrow. I forgot today but she was always like one of the people who believed he bleached it. Oh my.

Tomorrow I’m going to the Hookah Lounge with Rachel, Stephanie, London, Mark is also coming I think, and some other people possibly. I’m pretty excited. I guess they moved and now it’s way bigger and nicer and a legit business and stuff. I’m looking forward to it. Then on Saturday Rachel and I are gonna watch the Lion King together. HAHA! I got her into the game for nintendo, “The Lion King” and now she loves it and she asked me if I wanted to watch it with her on Saturday and I said I would. Now I just have to find the VHS tape to watch it on. I’m excited though. Sunday I’m actually going to start applying to a lot of places, and then I’m going to do a shitload of reading for school. I’m way behind with my reading for all of my classes. Seriously scary stuff right now.

That’s all I have to talk about tonight!

Published in: on February 26, 2010 at 12:40 AM  Leave a Comment  
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“God is in the TV”

So I took my tests today. MREHHH on the lab exam. I put so many blank answers and like, guessed on a bunch of them. Also I got so confused about smooth muscle and dense regular connective tissue. For some reason I kept thinking the slides were one of those two but I could not identify it specifically. Ugh. They’re not even the same primary type of tissue. GREAT. FAILED.

I got an 82 on my Abnormal Psych test. I was happy about that. Definitely didn’t work hard enough for it though. I read chapter three during my huge break before class today and like, guessed at so many of the answers. It was not so fun. Oh my god, the one lady in my class that I hate (she’s like 40 years old, black, a feminist, and preachy, and only one of those things I hate and NO I’M NOT RACIST OR ANTI-FEMINISM OR ANTI-MIDDLE AGED PEOPLE, I’m just trying to describe her a little) had to argue with the teacher over this question and I was dying all over the place. Ugh. Like, I think the entire class really sighed when she asked “Why wasn’t it choice A?” LOLOL. And I was a bitch and was like, “CAN WE MOVE ON?”. Only a few people around me heard it though I think. I can’t wait until Thursday so I can hear what else she’s gonna dish out.
Actually some of my classmates and I were talking about her right before class, and how she’s the type of person that thinks just because she can talk louder that her argument is more valid. She literally sounds like she’s screaming at you when she’s trying to make a point, and it’s just very awkward to deal with. It’s not just like a, talking louder to enunciate properly, no, it’s like, WELL I THINK THIS BECAUSE BLAH BLAH BLAH AND YOU CAN’T BE RIGHT BECAUSE YOU’RE WRONG. She didn’t really say that but it would be in TOTAL CAPS LOCK ALL THE TIME IF YOU WERE TO TYPE OUT WHAT SHE WAS SAYING. So fucking annoying.

That’s really all I got to say that’s new. I’ll probably blog again if anything interesting happens in Psych on Thursday like I just mentioned. It should, because she’s been voicing her opinions and knowledge about things every class pretty much. Should prove to be a good day on Thursday. I’m excited!

Published in: on February 24, 2010 at 12:13 AM  Leave a Comment  
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